Dealing with "The Voices"

So I made it through my second class. It was hard and a lot of work. I learned a lot and enjoyed the material covered. But it was a struggle, mainly with my inner demons. You know, "The Voices" inside my head. The ones that fill me with self doubt and fear. They have been there all my life, my constant companions. I can quiet them, but they never really go away. They always come back when its quiet.

When I met with my advisor here a K State back in April it did not go at all how I thought it would. He was polite enough. Explaining everything about the program and its rigorous demands. Nothing too surprising for me. Until he started to talk about my background and his concerns. At first I wasn't sure what he meant. I was, after all, a bit of a Rock Star in my time at Augusta State. Two time PBL national finalist, once in Econ and the other in Finance. I was the Wall Street Journal Student of the Year. I have the paper weight to prove it. When I came back for my MBA they practically threw a party they were so happy. Didn't he know this?

He mentioned my weak background in Economics. Since ASU did not have an Econ major, only a minor, I did not have all the classes some other students did. But since it wasn't required and I was talking the classes I needed over the summer I did not understand his concern. He began to talk about the math background needed. I have taken Calc I & II to ensure I could apply to any Econ program, on top of the Applied Calculus I took in my business undergrad. Applied Calc is all that is required for this program. I took Stats in undergrad and two additional stats classes while I was in B school. I listed all this out for my advisor. He nodded and what he said next surprised me. He said that was awhile ago. I laughed and asked if Calculus and Stats had changed in the last decade. He didn't seem amused. But I heard him loud and clear. I was old.

Without realizing it, I let those words become the voices in my head. Maybe I couldn't do this. Maybe this would be more than I could handle. Maybe I am too old. I began to doubt myself.

This voices got loader during my Micro class in July. It was difficult with a lot of math. My professor went fast and was hard to follow sometimes. I tried to ask questions, but one day he cut me off and was short. So I was afraid to ask more questions. On the third test I hit a question that covered a topic we covered but the equation was not formatted anyway we had done it before. And I froze. I couldn't do it. I skipped it and went on. But the voices went off like a bomb in my head. I ended up messing up on an easy problem. I went back and eventually answered the question I skipped. But the damage was done. Though I did not do terrible on the test. I was not happy with my performance. But I had no one to blame but myself.

So I continue to work on quieting the voices. I've gone back to practicing meditation to help relax me. On my last test I had a similar situation but was able calm myself and work through the problem instead of dwelling on it. Proving to myself that some times the only thing stopping me is me.

I did manage an A in Micro, making for a perfect summer. I have spent all of August studying Calculus, again. I got my books early and have been reviewing them as well. I had orientation for the Graduate School today. Starting to get the lay of the land. Fall semester starts on Monday and then the real fun begins.