Orphaned at 40

When my grandpa died, I remember my aunt saying to her sister, "We are orphans now."

It was strange, to think of two women in their early 50s as orphans, a term we reserve for children that have lost their parents. The truth is, we have no word for those who lose their parents as adults. But that is what I am, an adult who lost my parents. My dad when I was 26 and my mom last year shortly after my 40th birthday.

I was a different person when Dad died. I was a few years out of college, fixing up our first house. Working on my MBA. Thinking about a family, but hadn't started one yet. In a word, I was young. A 20something with my whole life waiting to happen. And I had imagined that my dad would be there while it was happening. In losing him, I felt like I had lost the future I was supposed to have. I described it as standing in front of a bridge and watching it fall and not knowing where to go. The next year was difficult as I began to wonder if I even knew what I wanted anymore. It was a difficult time in my relationship with my older brother and my mom (who had divorced my dad when I was young). Neither could understand the depth of my sadness.

When I lost Mom a year ago (13 1/2 years after Dad), I was the mom of two girls. I was working on my MA in Econ and teaching. I was very much an adult, albeit not the one I thought I would become before Dad died. Roger was on a remote tour in Korea and Mom was staying with us helping with the girls when she got the diagnosis. While Dad had died suddenly without warning, Mom was told she had cancer. She went through Chemo and when it was time, made the decision to stop treatment. She was able to say goodbye. When it came to decisions, I was the one doctors talked to. I was the one who explained things to my brothers over the phone. This time, I was the adult.

But to me, Orphan implies a sense of being on my own. Not having a guiding force. But that is not the truth at all. I still have my grandma, my dad's two sisters, and my mom's sister and four brothers. I have so many people who were there when I was growing up. Who look at my girls and see me looking back at them. And who, for better or worse, are my family. Who drove hours to be with me when the time came. Who helped with the funeral arrangements. And who were simply there.