When my grandpa died, I remember my aunt saying to her sister, "We are orphans now."
It was strange, to think of two women in their early 50s as orphans, a term we reserve for children that have lost their parents. The truth is, we have no word for those who lose their parents as adults. But that is what I am, an adult who lost my parents. My dad when I was 26 and my mom last year shortly after my 40th birthday.
I was a different person when Dad died. I was a few years out of college, fixing up our first house. Working on my MBA. Thinking about a family, but hadn't started one yet. In a word, I was young. A 20something with my whole life waiting to happen. And I had imagined that my dad would be there while it was happening. In losing him, I felt like I had lost the future I was supposed to have. I described it as standing in front of a bridge and watching it fall and not knowing where to go. The next year was difficult as I began to wonder if I even knew what I wanted anymore. It was a difficult time in my relationship with my older brother and my mom (who had divorced my dad when I was young). Neither could understand the depth of my sadness.
When I lost Mom a year ago (13 1/2 years after Dad), I was the mom of two girls. I was working on my MA in Econ and teaching. I was very much an adult, albeit not the one I thought I would become before Dad died. Roger was on a remote tour in Korea and Mom was staying with us helping with the girls when she got the diagnosis. While Dad had died suddenly without warning, Mom was told she had cancer. She went through Chemo and when it was time, made the decision to stop treatment. She was able to say goodbye. When it came to decisions, I was the one doctors talked to. I was the one who explained things to my brothers over the phone. This time, I was the adult.
But to me, Orphan implies a sense of being on my own. Not having a guiding force. But that is not the truth at all. I still have my grandma, my dad's two sisters, and my mom's sister and four brothers. I have so many people who were there when I was growing up. Who look at my girls and see me looking back at them. And who, for better or worse, are my family. Who drove hours to be with me when the time came. Who helped with the funeral arrangements. And who were simply there.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Facing my own mortality
As we get older, we all face our own mortality. But most recently it hit pretty close to home. I recently learned one of my classmates has breast cancer.
Back in November there was Typhoon in the Philippines. When I heard, I immediately thought of my classmate, who is from there. I saw her shortly after and asked after her family, she said they were all on higher ground and safe. She then told me the Philippine Student Association was raising money for the relief effort by selling wrist bands for $5. I opened my wallet and had a $20 and a $1. I handed her the $20 and told her I didn't need a wrist band. She almost cried.
Later she wrote a wonderful thank you note, that I still have in my desk in my office at school. My friend and I had started the program together, but had drifted apart when I dropped out of the PhD track and she continued on in that track. We no longer had classes together, so this happens. So I was touched by the note. Shortly after I received another note, this time from our program director. My friend had been diagnosed with cancer and they wanted us to know and the department was also collecting donations to help with medical bills. I did cry. It just doesn't seem fair. She is younger then me, 30. Not an old timer at all. I went back to my office and just sat for the longest time.
You don't think about all of these things. You don't think it will happen to you or anyone you know. And when it does, you are reminded that we are mortal. It can happen. And it did.
Back in November there was Typhoon in the Philippines. When I heard, I immediately thought of my classmate, who is from there. I saw her shortly after and asked after her family, she said they were all on higher ground and safe. She then told me the Philippine Student Association was raising money for the relief effort by selling wrist bands for $5. I opened my wallet and had a $20 and a $1. I handed her the $20 and told her I didn't need a wrist band. She almost cried.
Later she wrote a wonderful thank you note, that I still have in my desk in my office at school. My friend and I had started the program together, but had drifted apart when I dropped out of the PhD track and she continued on in that track. We no longer had classes together, so this happens. So I was touched by the note. Shortly after I received another note, this time from our program director. My friend had been diagnosed with cancer and they wanted us to know and the department was also collecting donations to help with medical bills. I did cry. It just doesn't seem fair. She is younger then me, 30. Not an old timer at all. I went back to my office and just sat for the longest time.
You don't think about all of these things. You don't think it will happen to you or anyone you know. And when it does, you are reminded that we are mortal. It can happen. And it did.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
37 in the land of 20 somethings
I have mentioned many things about school and dealing with 20 somethings is one of them. On average a Econ Grad student is 26 and most of the department is 23 to 29. Both of my main study partners are 24, so I've had some interesting conversations.
Most of the time it is cultural references. Many times I reference songs and movies from before my friends were born. I once mentioned Risky Business and most people in the room had never seen it. I talked about the fall of the Berlin Wall and the break up of the Soviet Union, one friend pointed out he was 2. Yeah, I'm old. It is funny, most people are surprised to learn my age. And after awhile you forget. But then you talk about things, and it becomes painfully obvious I'm old.
Most recently I was in the computer lab with one classmate, printing out a paper that another classmate asked me to proof read. My classmate thought it was strange that I was printing it just to read it. I like to print out things to read and to write on them with pencil. Its just how I work. I also mentioned when I was in college I often wrote papers long hand first and then typed them. I no longer do that and it is easier now to type papers since I have a computer. In this conversation my classmate asked it I used a typewriter then. I told him about the word processor I had at UD and how it wasn't much different from an electric typewriter, except I could type it and spell check it before printing. My dad paid almost $300 for the word processor, a computer was nearly $3,000 then. I paid $400 for the laptop I am using to type this blog. Talk about a different world.
Most of the time it is cultural references. Many times I reference songs and movies from before my friends were born. I once mentioned Risky Business and most people in the room had never seen it. I talked about the fall of the Berlin Wall and the break up of the Soviet Union, one friend pointed out he was 2. Yeah, I'm old. It is funny, most people are surprised to learn my age. And after awhile you forget. But then you talk about things, and it becomes painfully obvious I'm old.
Most recently I was in the computer lab with one classmate, printing out a paper that another classmate asked me to proof read. My classmate thought it was strange that I was printing it just to read it. I like to print out things to read and to write on them with pencil. Its just how I work. I also mentioned when I was in college I often wrote papers long hand first and then typed them. I no longer do that and it is easier now to type papers since I have a computer. In this conversation my classmate asked it I used a typewriter then. I told him about the word processor I had at UD and how it wasn't much different from an electric typewriter, except I could type it and spell check it before printing. My dad paid almost $300 for the word processor, a computer was nearly $3,000 then. I paid $400 for the laptop I am using to type this blog. Talk about a different world.
Monday, January 16, 2012
First Semester on the Books...
Well, its been awhile since I've updated this blog. My classes start tomorrow for Winter Semester, so I feel I should update on the last one. I have been very busy with classes, but to be honest it was a difficult semester and I had a hard time writing about it. But, as many wise people have advised, I've decided to cut myself some slack.
Each one of my classes had three exams, so I will break down the semester that way.
I started the semester with 3 classes, 9 hours a typical graduate school load. Only I am not a typical grad student. I am an old timer with kids. It had been 8 years since I finished my MBA and a few years since my last Calculus class.
The first set of tests were a mixed bag. An A and two Cs. Cs are not acceptable in grad school and my Math class was killing me. After the first round of tests, I dropped my Microeconomics class. It was the only class not required for my PhD, so I felt it was the best choice. I was not able to keep up with the work load for three classes. The A was in Stats, no surprise there since I had a lot of stats in business school. The C was in Math Econ. I was devastated by that. I truly felt like my time here was over. I was lucky that after the first test our study group picked up a new member, one who was actually studied during the day as opposed to in the evening as half our group did. So thanks, Andrew and George, for all those mornings in the library.
Second set of tests did not go well in spite of my decreased work load. I increased the time I was studying for Math but not Stats and got in trouble on my second Stats exam. Both of my second tests were Cs. Not much improvement overall. I struggled to find a good routine and was feeling highly inadequate. Even though I had increased my efforts in my Math Econ class it wasn't translating to the tests. I will say I am very thankful for my friends that helped pull me through this month. Especially my friend Melissa, who watched the girls during my Stats exam when my sitter had a emergency.
Finals were not spectacular. I began to buckle under the pressure of my classes. In the end I feel I did as well as I could on my Stats exam but beat myself on my Math exam. I studies the material and was a prepared as I could be. But I panicked on my Math exam and did not do as well as I know I could have. I ended with a B in Stats and a C in Math Econ. In graduate school, a 3.0 is required so I will begin next semester on academic probation. Not the best showing, but now that is has happened and the world has come crashing down on me I know it will be okay.
I would like to take a moment to thank all of my classmates who helped me through either by studying with me or just listening to me when I was having a hard time. And to those few people that did both. I really feel like at this level we learn as much from each other as we do our professors.
Each one of my classes had three exams, so I will break down the semester that way.
I started the semester with 3 classes, 9 hours a typical graduate school load. Only I am not a typical grad student. I am an old timer with kids. It had been 8 years since I finished my MBA and a few years since my last Calculus class.
The first set of tests were a mixed bag. An A and two Cs. Cs are not acceptable in grad school and my Math class was killing me. After the first round of tests, I dropped my Microeconomics class. It was the only class not required for my PhD, so I felt it was the best choice. I was not able to keep up with the work load for three classes. The A was in Stats, no surprise there since I had a lot of stats in business school. The C was in Math Econ. I was devastated by that. I truly felt like my time here was over. I was lucky that after the first test our study group picked up a new member, one who was actually studied during the day as opposed to in the evening as half our group did. So thanks, Andrew and George, for all those mornings in the library.
Second set of tests did not go well in spite of my decreased work load. I increased the time I was studying for Math but not Stats and got in trouble on my second Stats exam. Both of my second tests were Cs. Not much improvement overall. I struggled to find a good routine and was feeling highly inadequate. Even though I had increased my efforts in my Math Econ class it wasn't translating to the tests. I will say I am very thankful for my friends that helped pull me through this month. Especially my friend Melissa, who watched the girls during my Stats exam when my sitter had a emergency.
Finals were not spectacular. I began to buckle under the pressure of my classes. In the end I feel I did as well as I could on my Stats exam but beat myself on my Math exam. I studies the material and was a prepared as I could be. But I panicked on my Math exam and did not do as well as I know I could have. I ended with a B in Stats and a C in Math Econ. In graduate school, a 3.0 is required so I will begin next semester on academic probation. Not the best showing, but now that is has happened and the world has come crashing down on me I know it will be okay.
I would like to take a moment to thank all of my classmates who helped me through either by studying with me or just listening to me when I was having a hard time. And to those few people that did both. I really feel like at this level we learn as much from each other as we do our professors.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Two weeks down...
Well, today marks the end of my second week of grad school. So far I'm surviving.
I love the classes, though there is a lot of reading. And at times the math is a little much. I can't tell you how good it feels though to be here doing what I always wanted to. I've always loved the graphs in Economics. The movements almost seemed like a dance to me. I love learning more about them and what makes them work. And to be with others who get that is wonderful.
My fellow students add to the experience. At this level most of us are hear because we love to learn. They are an amazing group. So many are from all over the world. I am learning a lot about their cultures, mainly through food. We have formed a study group for all our math problems. And there are a lot of math problems!
Last Friday I was able to attend a party held by the grad students in my department. It was great to meet the students further along in the program and learn more about the program. One of the second years is from Atlanta. We talked about all the things we missed from the southeast and all they places we had been. And, his name is Ben just like my brother. I told him I'd never be able to forget his name. Marcy, a 4th year, went to Wake Forrest for her undergrad. Small world! And Mark, another 4th year, grew up an hour away from me in Nebraska. Bonus, his wife grew up in the town where my grandma did. We laughed about playing 6 degrees of Michelle (Sorry Kevin Bacon!)
All in all, its been great so far. The work is challenging, but I expected that. Everyone is nice so far and all of the students have been helpful. And I continue to feel that this is the place I am supposed to be.
I love the classes, though there is a lot of reading. And at times the math is a little much. I can't tell you how good it feels though to be here doing what I always wanted to. I've always loved the graphs in Economics. The movements almost seemed like a dance to me. I love learning more about them and what makes them work. And to be with others who get that is wonderful.
My fellow students add to the experience. At this level most of us are hear because we love to learn. They are an amazing group. So many are from all over the world. I am learning a lot about their cultures, mainly through food. We have formed a study group for all our math problems. And there are a lot of math problems!
Last Friday I was able to attend a party held by the grad students in my department. It was great to meet the students further along in the program and learn more about the program. One of the second years is from Atlanta. We talked about all the things we missed from the southeast and all they places we had been. And, his name is Ben just like my brother. I told him I'd never be able to forget his name. Marcy, a 4th year, went to Wake Forrest for her undergrad. Small world! And Mark, another 4th year, grew up an hour away from me in Nebraska. Bonus, his wife grew up in the town where my grandma did. We laughed about playing 6 degrees of Michelle (Sorry Kevin Bacon!)
All in all, its been great so far. The work is challenging, but I expected that. Everyone is nice so far and all of the students have been helpful. And I continue to feel that this is the place I am supposed to be.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Survived my first day
So, I made it through my first day as a Graduate Student. It went well and was a little strange. It started off well enough. I got to school an hour before my class and was able to find a parking space near my building! Score! Then I ran over to get my parking permit and some lunch at the Union. Then I headed to class. I made it about 5 minutes early but the room was already pretty full. I found a seat by the door and talked to the girl next to me. She is a Econ PhD from Iran. I was happy to meet another person from my program. This first semester all the AgEcon and Econ PhD and Master students take the same classes. So it was nice to find a fellow Econ PhD. It was strange though because she didn't have her books yet. I ended up showing her where the bookstore was. A lot of the student didn't have their books yet. Which surprised me, since this is a graduate program. Maybe it is a first year thing.
It seems like most of my Math Econ class is in my Stats class in the afternoon also. And many of the Econ students are in my Micro Econ class tomorrow. So I am meeting people that I will be around for the next few years. I also meet a AgEcon PhD that transferred from NC State. What a small world. We chatted on the break about our time in NC. Since she is a PhD as well, we will have the same classes for the next two years as both programs have the same set of preliminary exams.
It was strange to be around so many foreign students, since that is not something I'm used to. So many different languages around me. And most of the students live on campus. Most were surprised that I have a house off campus and have two kids. One girl, a 2nd year in my program, asked if I would take her to Ft Riley. I told her sure, but there wasn't much there. So, all in all, a pretty good day. Can't wait to see what happens tomorrow.
It seems like most of my Math Econ class is in my Stats class in the afternoon also. And many of the Econ students are in my Micro Econ class tomorrow. So I am meeting people that I will be around for the next few years. I also meet a AgEcon PhD that transferred from NC State. What a small world. We chatted on the break about our time in NC. Since she is a PhD as well, we will have the same classes for the next two years as both programs have the same set of preliminary exams.
It was strange to be around so many foreign students, since that is not something I'm used to. So many different languages around me. And most of the students live on campus. Most were surprised that I have a house off campus and have two kids. One girl, a 2nd year in my program, asked if I would take her to Ft Riley. I told her sure, but there wasn't much there. So, all in all, a pretty good day. Can't wait to see what happens tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Dealing with "The Voices"
So I made it through my second class. It was hard and a lot of work. I learned a lot and enjoyed the material covered. But it was a struggle, mainly with my inner demons. You know, "The Voices" inside my head. The ones that fill me with self doubt and fear. They have been there all my life, my constant companions. I can quiet them, but they never really go away. They always come back when its quiet.
When I met with my advisor here a K State back in April it did not go at all how I thought it would. He was polite enough. Explaining everything about the program and its rigorous demands. Nothing too surprising for me. Until he started to talk about my background and his concerns. At first I wasn't sure what he meant. I was, after all, a bit of a Rock Star in my time at Augusta State. Two time PBL national finalist, once in Econ and the other in Finance. I was the Wall Street Journal Student of the Year. I have the paper weight to prove it. When I came back for my MBA they practically threw a party they were so happy. Didn't he know this?
He mentioned my weak background in Economics. Since ASU did not have an Econ major, only a minor, I did not have all the classes some other students did. But since it wasn't required and I was talking the classes I needed over the summer I did not understand his concern. He began to talk about the math background needed. I have taken Calc I & II to ensure I could apply to any Econ program, on top of the Applied Calculus I took in my business undergrad. Applied Calc is all that is required for this program. I took Stats in undergrad and two additional stats classes while I was in B school. I listed all this out for my advisor. He nodded and what he said next surprised me. He said that was awhile ago. I laughed and asked if Calculus and Stats had changed in the last decade. He didn't seem amused. But I heard him loud and clear. I was old.
Without realizing it, I let those words become the voices in my head. Maybe I couldn't do this. Maybe this would be more than I could handle. Maybe I am too old. I began to doubt myself.
This voices got loader during my Micro class in July. It was difficult with a lot of math. My professor went fast and was hard to follow sometimes. I tried to ask questions, but one day he cut me off and was short. So I was afraid to ask more questions. On the third test I hit a question that covered a topic we covered but the equation was not formatted anyway we had done it before. And I froze. I couldn't do it. I skipped it and went on. But the voices went off like a bomb in my head. I ended up messing up on an easy problem. I went back and eventually answered the question I skipped. But the damage was done. Though I did not do terrible on the test. I was not happy with my performance. But I had no one to blame but myself.
So I continue to work on quieting the voices. I've gone back to practicing meditation to help relax me. On my last test I had a similar situation but was able calm myself and work through the problem instead of dwelling on it. Proving to myself that some times the only thing stopping me is me.
I did manage an A in Micro, making for a perfect summer. I have spent all of August studying Calculus, again. I got my books early and have been reviewing them as well. I had orientation for the Graduate School today. Starting to get the lay of the land. Fall semester starts on Monday and then the real fun begins.
When I met with my advisor here a K State back in April it did not go at all how I thought it would. He was polite enough. Explaining everything about the program and its rigorous demands. Nothing too surprising for me. Until he started to talk about my background and his concerns. At first I wasn't sure what he meant. I was, after all, a bit of a Rock Star in my time at Augusta State. Two time PBL national finalist, once in Econ and the other in Finance. I was the Wall Street Journal Student of the Year. I have the paper weight to prove it. When I came back for my MBA they practically threw a party they were so happy. Didn't he know this?
He mentioned my weak background in Economics. Since ASU did not have an Econ major, only a minor, I did not have all the classes some other students did. But since it wasn't required and I was talking the classes I needed over the summer I did not understand his concern. He began to talk about the math background needed. I have taken Calc I & II to ensure I could apply to any Econ program, on top of the Applied Calculus I took in my business undergrad. Applied Calc is all that is required for this program. I took Stats in undergrad and two additional stats classes while I was in B school. I listed all this out for my advisor. He nodded and what he said next surprised me. He said that was awhile ago. I laughed and asked if Calculus and Stats had changed in the last decade. He didn't seem amused. But I heard him loud and clear. I was old.
Without realizing it, I let those words become the voices in my head. Maybe I couldn't do this. Maybe this would be more than I could handle. Maybe I am too old. I began to doubt myself.
This voices got loader during my Micro class in July. It was difficult with a lot of math. My professor went fast and was hard to follow sometimes. I tried to ask questions, but one day he cut me off and was short. So I was afraid to ask more questions. On the third test I hit a question that covered a topic we covered but the equation was not formatted anyway we had done it before. And I froze. I couldn't do it. I skipped it and went on. But the voices went off like a bomb in my head. I ended up messing up on an easy problem. I went back and eventually answered the question I skipped. But the damage was done. Though I did not do terrible on the test. I was not happy with my performance. But I had no one to blame but myself.
So I continue to work on quieting the voices. I've gone back to practicing meditation to help relax me. On my last test I had a similar situation but was able calm myself and work through the problem instead of dwelling on it. Proving to myself that some times the only thing stopping me is me.
I did manage an A in Micro, making for a perfect summer. I have spent all of August studying Calculus, again. I got my books early and have been reviewing them as well. I had orientation for the Graduate School today. Starting to get the lay of the land. Fall semester starts on Monday and then the real fun begins.
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